You Don't Have to be Good
April 23rd, 2025
Writer: Chloe Pehote
Editor: Talia Kohn
One of the first things that we are taught in life is the concept of “goodness”- the inherent idea that there is good and there is bad, and that we should aspire for goodness and spend our lives repenting for our bad behavior. This lesson manifests in all sectors of socialization: acceptable behaviors in schools, repentance for sins in religious spaces, and seeking forgiveness when we hurt others. It is the core pillar of the most simplistic and shared philosophical outlook; in our lives, regardless of identity, we should aspire to be good people.
I recently read a book in which a character suffering from a terminal illness discussed her lifelong difficulty grappling with “goodness” that she recalls impacting her as early as childhood. She felt that she could never achieve true moral righteousness and feared eternal damnation for her flamboyant character, progressive morals, and persistent curiosity. The woman was not evil; in fact, she was rather selfless and good-natured, but she did not feel she demonstrated the holistic goodness that we are told is the only acceptable form of it.
Her narrative made me think a lot about my own relationship with goodness. Particularly, one specific moment in middle school in which I heard the phrase “snitches get stitches” for the first - and last - time. In hindsight, it’s a little funny, but the lesson stuck with me. I have a lot of other memories of my lifelong, tumultuous relationship with being a “goody two shoes” that I could write about, but this instant sticks out to me specifically because of the lesson it instilled almost instantaneously. While honesty and acting with the intent of encouraging conventionally “right” behaviors amongst your peers are textbook traits of goodness, they are also traits of being extremely annoying and obnoxious; hence my skepticism with the idea of “being good” altogether.
Goodness, while inherently positive, often relies on philosophies that reduce the complexity of our own humanity. Even though goodness does represent kindness, charitability, and honesty, it also values adherence towards traditionalism, an overemphasis on agreeability, and a modest demeanor. It thrives on the desperation we feel to be absolved of our wrongdoings and guilt, and loathes any sort of aggressive adamancy in relation to one's thoughts, character, and beliefs.
I am not attempting to say that the concept of goodness is fundamentally wrong, but rather that aspiring to be only good, and nothing else, in your time on Earth, is also to long for an extremely dull and fruitless life. Poet Mary Oliver challenges this rigid notion of goodness in her well-known line, “You do not have to be good, you do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting, you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”
We are not solely defined by our goodness. In fact, simply being "good" isn't always the most correct approach. There are times when persistence, standing firm in our values, defending ourselves or others, or even sacrificing someone's happiness for the greater good, is necessary, even if this means being "direct," "uncompromising," or "bold." There are so many more important qualities in life than simply being good—traits like courage, honesty, and dedication, among others. These are the qualities that have defined some of the most accomplished and inspirational figures in history.
Life is full of lessons, and there is truly no point in spending your adolescence punishing yourself for mistakes made that will eventually turn into teaching moments about the person you are professionally, academically, romantically, and socially. The sooner you stop apologizing for your imperfections and start seeing them as potential strengths, the closer you become to real maturity. Growth doesn’t require perfection, only the willingness to evolve.
